Dear Fertility Clinics everywhere,
I am writing to you on behalf of my clients that may have been under your ‘care’. I work with many women and couples helping to prepare them for and support them through the very expensive procedures you offer in the hope that you will grant them parenthood.
For some it may be their first time with you, for others they may have seen you and others like you many times placing their hopes and dreams into your expert hands.
I work alongside my clients helping to prepare their bodies and very importantly their minds before, during and after treatment. I get to know them very well and understand and support them on what can be a very long and emotional journey to have a baby.
Couples’ hopeful expectations of starting a family are completely shattered when they realise for whatever reason that they are having difficulties. The burning desire to conceive growing stronger each menstrual cycle. The waiting, the tests, the waiting, more tests, embarrassing examinations and operations, more waiting. Each ebb and flow of the monthly cycle bringing feelings of hope and grief as the bleed returns and that clock ticks louder.
Strains on relationships, strains of finances, feelings of treading water, resentments and jealousy as another friend is pregnant without even trying.
The weight of burden and blame women carry even though their husband’s or partners sperm results are merely borderline and questionable but you have told them he’s fine………. for ICSI so that doesn’t matter. The feelings of failure, of anger directed towards her beautiful body, her womanhood and femininity in question.
So, when they decide to choose YOU to help them conceive, I ask you to please treat them like they are human beings. Please understand that behind their egg, their sperm and their wombs there is a real person who is feeling dazzled by your ‘expertise’, your language and your perceived ‘power’. Maybe they are in shock, or they don’t understand the language you use, perhaps they don’t know what questions to ask. This may be their first time seeking medical help and they may be full of anxiety and hopelessness. Please see that they place so much trust in you. They come to you for advice, for a solution and to help them have a baby so please be open, honest and gentle with them as they may be scared and full of fear or shame.
Please clearly explain their options and what you plan to do and why and ensure they understand. Explain how they might feel on medication and have someone always at hand ready to answer the many questions and concerns they may have. Communication for couples is so important for they need to know what is going on and why and it helps them to feel more in control. Please respond when you say you will and when they need you.
During operations and procedures understand if they may need some additional support, comfort and a reassuring smile. It can be extremely humiliating, embarrassing and painful and can bring up many negative feelings especially if there has been a history of trauma or abuse in the past. Please be respectful and communicate with kindness.
I don’t feel leaving them unsupported and lost if a pregnancy does not work out for them is a great practice and perhaps offering some kind of support to help work through the grief and to process the treatment you provide should be included in your offerings. In fact I feel that the one counselling session you offer is diabolical and given the emotional intensity of the rollercoaster ride of fertility treatment and the feelings of grief, loss and guilt you should at least be offering three free sessions of therapy to help support couples whose mental health is at risk.
As much as I love my work supporting clients going through fertility treatment I get very upset when I work with extremely intelligent and capable women only to see them crumble with years of emotional and physical endurance needed to get through it all. Women at the top of their game reduced to tears and distress by the way they are being treated and handled. Women feeling completely powerless, couples treated so badly yet they are too scared to complain or make a fuss because their genitals, reproductive organs and embryos are in your very expensive hands.
I am fed up with picking up the pieces of the emotional upset and trauma that can be caused by careless words or thoughtless behaviour. Care, kindness, compassion and communication does not cost the earth in your very expensive and high-tech, scientific and healthcare industry where couples are giving you their remortaged, borrowed or life saved money.
Please don’t get me wrong I also hear some wonderful stories where clients have had great experiences but I have for too long had deep concerns when clients feel too scared to speak up or make a complaint and that is why I have been compelled to write and post this letter in the hope that it will make a difference.
So please whoever you are, Consultant, nurse, embryologists and person behind a desk, please be kind and remember in a game where it seems to be all about numbers, the people you see are not numbers, they are human beings that need to be treated with respect and care.
Thank you for reading
Victoria Gazzard
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