Nurturing Support for Miscarriage and Baby Loss

It is the time of year where the energy of loss and letting go is most poignant. As the seasons change and the last leaves fall from the bare trees, we can find ourselves reflecting on what has passed. It is a natural process, one that we all must go through in order to allow ourselves to start looking forward to new beginnings.

My job as a fertility and early pregnancy specialist, I support many women who have had the heart ache of miscarriage and baby loss, helping to heal and support their body, mind and spirit for trying to conceive again if that is their intention.

I provide a safe space where emotions can be held and processed, where the post baby body can be healed, nurtured and their baby honoured.

Feelings of grief and loss can be unpredictable, surfacing at unusual times and may even be disguised in emotions or behaviours we do not fully understand. Anger is a wonderful protector of grief and what can seem to be irrational outbursts or rage may be unprocessed feelings of grief, trauma, guilt, shame, vulnerability and of course fear.

Emotions of Grief and Loss;

There are many ways I support my clients struggling to come to terms with different feelings of grief and loss;

• During menstruation when hopes of falling pregnant have been shattered, processing feelings of sadness and frustration especially if these feelings are compounded month after month….
• Following fertility treatment that sadly did not provide the gift that was hoped for. It is essential to allow space for the heart to heal, the body to rebalance, and the mind to settle before deciding next steps. 
• I support miscarriage in all it’s raw and messy forms, from helping the body to release naturally what it may be holding on to, supporting the body during bleeding to helping the body rebalance, recover and process the emotional and physical impact of pregnancy loss. I work to support emotional healing to bring the body back into balance. Helping to nurture self compassion, to let go of blame and build trust in their body and their ability to conceive and carry a baby to term.

I have also been seeing more and more women who have come to me following the loss of their baby, who need a safe space to work through and process the myriad of emotions in a way that feels right for them so they can emotionally and physically heal and move forward. This area of work, whilst intense is an area that I feel very strongly about as it seems there is so little nurturing support for women (and men) who desperately need it to be held and heard during what is probably one of the most earth shattering, upsetting and life changing events to ever happen in their lives. Using a holistic and caring approach with a therapeutic background, I help parents who are struggling, to navigate a way forward with more positivity and lightness.

For those coming to terms with a recent miscarriage, still birth or neonatal death here are some considerations to remember;

• Grief is a journey that you have to travel through, you cannot bypass or take a short cut, it’s important to take each day at a time
• There is also no right or wrong way to grieve and everyone’s experience is unique
• Try to be true to your emotions, don’t fear or suppress them, welcome and let them flow no matter how scary that may feel
•  Surround yourself with people who offer you love, support and comfort
• Treat yourself gently and with compassion, this means erasing the word ‘SHOULD’
• Prioritise looking after your own health – it’s fine to rest, it’s fine to sleep lots – general life and social interactions are extremely draining when you are feeling such dense emotions
• Nourishment is key for maintaining energy and vitality, eat, sleep keep warm and hug
• Writing a journal may help to process, digest and clarify complex feelings
• Talking to others who have experienced something similar may help you to feel less isolated
• Meditation and mindfulness practices are great for helping to live in the moment and for taking each day at a time
• Writing a gratitude diary can remind you of the things that made you smile or are thankful for
• And lastly, always seek professional support if you can’t get through it alone. Ensure that you look for someone that has experience in working with pregnancy loss to best support you and help you work through complex emotions and feelings.

Helping Others

My advice to anyone who has a friend or relative who is experiencing or has experienced the loss of a baby is to please give them space to talk about how they feel, let them talk about their experience and tell you about their baby who was part of their life – no matter how short, for they have had a physical, emotional and also a spiritual connection with their baby whilst in the womb and sometimes even before. They may have had dreams and visons of a life with their baby.

Understand they may be emotionally and physically grieving a very strong maternal loss. Offer a friendly smile and a chance to talk, all you have to do is LISTEN with compassion and a warm open heart. It’s also ok for them to cry – in fact it can be healing and cathartic if they do, please don’t try to stop the tears for they may need to flow.

Working with grief and loss can be intense, however I am often in awe of my clients who show up even on their very worst days, bearing their souls and revealing such fragility and vulnerability. I am also blown away by their strength, resilience, bravery and determination to gather the fragments of their hearts, so they can piece them back together.

It’s never too late to heal grief and trauma.

Finally, I wanted to say that it is never too late to heal from baby loss, I hear of many women who are mothers or grandmothers who secretly carry very deep emotional echoes and memories of unresolved grief and trauma in their hearts and wombs because they were not allowed to discuss or talk about the loss of their baby and were not offered any help, advice or support at the time.

So let’s talk about pregnancy loss more, it should not be a taboo that women secretly grieve on their own. Lets support each other and allow stories to be heard and baby’s lives to be honoured however short they may have been.

Resources

• www.sands.org.uk
•  https://bristol.sands.org.uk/
• www.tommys.org
• www.thewillowtreecentre.org.uk/
• Life After Miscarriage – Jo Tocher
•  Holding Space on loving dying and letting go
• Walking the Labyrinth of my Heart – Dianna Vagianos Armentrout