Why Self-Care is a Priority NOT a luxury for Women.

Never before have women felt so under pressure with responsibilities, high expectations and the need to achieve, be and do.

Strong, independent, women, striving for success and equality in this world, appearing to ‘have it all’ and have ‘got it all together’ can find themselves burnt out, ill and miserable in the process. It isn’t until we get into our late thirties and forties that the cracks of self neglect really start to show and this is especially prevalent in mothers of young children who are juggling a crazy work / life balance.

Feeling out of control, we can easily find ourselves on the hamster wheel of the busy I should do lists, I should be lists and the I’m not good enough at…….lists. All theses endless lists, bringing us down, disconnecting our head and hearts and who we are truly meant to be.

I am writing this because I too fall foul of the need to be busy, to be doing and to be achieving. If not kept under control I get depleted, I feel frazzled, overwhelmed and anxious as the negative thoughts of I ‘should be doing more’ or ‘I’m failing at….’ start to creep in like a thick noxious fog polluting my mind, stopping me from enjoying the here and now. Luckily, I have been doing this work long enough that I notice these patterns, I notice the signs and the alarm bells and I know that I’ve neglected my self-care. Sometimes I get there in time, sometimes I don’t but luckily I know what I need to do and I know who I can call upon for help.

What is self-care?

To be perfectly honest it was only when my ovaries decided to shut down plunging me into horrendous menopausal symptoms with two pre-school children to look after that the term self-care FINALLY meant something to me. I HAD to take care of myself, I had NO option, my health was deteriorating and my anxiety levels went through the roof. However, up until breaking point I felt I had to do EVERYTHING on my own. I felt responsible for everything and I could NOT ask for help, What was I thinking??????  And here is the thing, self-care is so simple, so obvious that it really should not have taken so long for me to have the aha moment, especially doing the work I do, you think I should – (ha ha there is that word and pressure again) known better.

However, this is not the society we are brought up in, we have been brought up to ‘stop complaining’ ‘get on with it’ ‘don’t be lazy’ ‘don’t be so emotional’, we have been forced to disconnect from our true selves, to suppress our feelings instead of listening to their insights into our inner psychology, to push our bodies into an enforced ideology of what they should look like instead of learning how to listen to their wisdom and cues for imbalances and indicators of health. We have become so goal oriented that we have not been taught to reflect and acknowledge our achievements, we have been conditioned to lust after so much materialism that we have lost the art of gratitude and appreciating the things that really matter in our lives. We get so lost in the need to be busy or looking after others that we forget our own needs need to be met first otherwise we are at risk of adrenal fatigue, hormonal imbalance, painful periods, increased peri=menopausal symptoms and all sorts of stress related conditions including cardiovascular and immune system problems.

Self-care comes in many shapes and forms, it is important to work out what you need so you can feel better.

Below are some of my own ideas of what self-care means to me and my own self-care strategies.

Self-care is STOPPING and STILLNESS

I find stopping really difficult to do. To just stop, to be still, to quieten my body and my mind and to just be. For someone that is used to racing round like a headless chicken (a wonderful strategy for disassociating from trauma, unease, dis-ease by the way. Also very good for burning yourself out!!!) This all takes PRACTICE but the benefits are so fabulous that when I do enter meditation, mindfulness, yoga nidra, deep breathing or do my EFT, I instantly feel grounded and in the present, I feel lighter and the panicked urgency of non essential things subsides. And Breath………

Self-care is facing the uncomfortable

This means taking responsibility for working through your old traumas, your limiting beliefs, your uneasy emotions that are all holding you back in life (and potentially driving impossible to achieve expectations and perfectionist behaviours) – (EFT is amazing for this by the way). With these sabotaging blocks in check we are able to judge ourselves with more self love and compassion and therefore feel happier in life. We are also more likely to hit our achievements with less effort and force as we are not held back by old habits, beliefs and unconscious sabotaging behaviours)

Self –care is loving your body

Self care is loving and respecting ourselves enough that we are able to make healthy food choices that really nourish us so that we are in optimal health in order for our body to function, renew, grow and heal. I make sure I have a smoothie every morning and when I don’t have one I really notice a difference. Don’t get me wrong – I also think self-care is about treating yourself to a scrummy box of Booja-Booja too!!!

Exercise is another self-care strategy; this could mean taking a lovely walk through the gorgeous autumnal woods and drinking in the amazing colours. It could mean going for a swim or even choosing to climb the stairs instead of the lift or leaving the car behind and walking.

Exercise for me is the trickiest one to implement and the easiest to drop and I’ve now got a personal trainer and I am doing early morning hormone yoga before everyone wakes up – this has become a really special time for me as I light my candles and incense and do yoga as the sun comes up.

 WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO  I love this one- Self-care also means therapy and bodywork.

I love the fact that I can own this and say – this is a non negotiable part of my life now. I am so lucky I am able to call upon one of the many amazing practitioners here in Bristol to help me work through my emotional or physical issues that may be presenting themselves. I try to have a treatment at least once a fortnight to keep me in check, sometimes it could be a massage to address any muscular aches and pains, energy healing or reflexology to help balance and realign my energies so I am more grounded and emotionally in harmony, EFT/counselling/coaching to address any issues, problems or emotions that I may be struggling with.

Self care also means checking in emotionally.

Negative emotions such as stress and anxiety can lead to ill health so it is really important to not brush them aside or try and hide them. Get curious about how your are feeling, note what you need to work on or incorporate in order for you to feel better, do something that lifts you up and brings you joy. Notice your emotional responses and triggers throughout the day and ask yourself what it is reflecting or asking from you. At the end of the day I do my gratitude list to help lift my spirits and find this so brilliant on the rare occasion I struggle to get to sleep.

Self Care is spending time alone or with someone who makes you feel happy.

Self-care is about saying no to those who bring you down and yes to those that lift you up. I’ve finally learnt that I really need alone time, time away from everyone where I can recharge my batteries. Social interactions can drain me very easily and I’ve learnt that quiet, alone time is an essential necessity for me to build myself back up. This means that I have to ensure that I schedule alone time if I am particularly busy.

As well as surrounding yourself with people that bring you joy and make you feel supported it is also important to minimise exposure to toxic people and energy vampires that deplete you and make you feel drained.

Self-Care is about time out.

This could be enjoying a hot cup of tea in peace, reading a good book, having a hot bath with luxurious bath oils or even going on a yoga retreat in India. It’s about allowing that time for whatever helps you to unwind and be still.

Self-Care is seeking joy.

Self-care is about focussing on what makes you happy, what makes you feel good, feel alive – that’s why we are all here isn’t it? So dance, sing, paint, watch a sunset, go to a comedy night, spend time with friends, if something makes you happy – DO IT no excuses.

So as you can see, self care is so simple it can be a week at a fancy spa or it can be regular reflexology or reiki sessions to feel rebalanced and restored. It can be taking a walk in the glorious sunshine or having a PT put you through your paces, it could be sitting in quiet and stillness or freely dancing without a care in the world, it could be writing or reading a book or booking that exotic holiday you always wanted to go on. Incorporate what is right for you and what you need, ask yourself -what do I need to feel good in my self today? You may not know as you may never have asked yourself before so spend time reflecting on this.

I believe it is a fundamental necessity that in order for us women to do the things that we need to do, to be high achieving career women, to be social butterflies and party animals, to be wild passionate lovers, to be a good mum, sister, grandmother, daughter, friend, girlfriend, wife, to be the best version of ourselves, we really do need to look after ourselves first. No-one else can take care of you better than how you can take care of yourself and no one should.

So let’s change this cultural behaviour and pass it on to women and girls of all ages, we need to look after ourselves AND each other.

So upon strict orders from me, open your filofax, diary or Google calendar and book in some YOU TIME today and make self care an absolute priority. And while you are there make sure you book in a session with me too……..