Shattered dreams, broken hearts and a belly full of scars.

When IVF sadly doesn’t work out.

I love my job journeying alongside my fertility clients and nothing beats that feeling when they send you a picture of their pregnancy test. Often, I am one of the first to know and sometimes I am lucky enough to support them all through their pregnancy, preparing them for birth and it is such a joy when I get to meet their little baby and see them together at postnatal appointments.

However, sometimes it isn’t always a happy ending, sometimes despite all the work we do together, supporting the body, preparing the mind, working through anxieties and emotional blocks, sometimes the dream doesn’t come true and this can be really devastating for my clients but also for me as their practitioner, guide, confidant and cheerleader. You see I know when they are likely to be taking their test and I am holding them in my heart, I am aware that I may not have heard from them and what this means.

I understand how difficult it is to send me that message and as someone who is able to offer support, I am ALWAYS stuck for the right words to say, for there is nothing at this time that I can say, to make everything ok again.

I know their world has completely crumbled; hearts shattered into a million pieces. I can hear the self talk, the self-punishment, feeling responsible, that their body has failed them in some way.

You and your body have NOT failed. 

The anger and resentment that they are going through all of this when others around them seem to be able to have children so easily.

The big WHY, why me, why us? “IT’S NOT FAIR” And no it isn’t fair, it really isn’t, life can be totally shit sometimes, and I am just as enraged as you as I see someone who would make an amazing parent and I can see all the love you have to give and everything you have to offer and I know how hard you have worked and at what cost physically, emotionally and financially.

So, for anyone who has been through IVF and is sat there staring at a negative pregnancy test, or who has started bleeding before test day, or who had a positive pregnancy test and then lost their precious one, I hope this blog will help somehow.

GRIEF

Remember you are grieving, the emotions you are experiencing whether it’s deep sobbing, anger, numbness, confusion, overwhelm, they are all real, they are all valid and it is important that you allow yourself time and space to process your thoughts and feelings surrounding the whole of your fertility journey, the IVF cycle and your feelings of grief around it not working out.

The feelings of grief can be raw and intense but it is important to name them and allow space for the fact that you are grieving a loss, the loss of your baby that you so dearly wanted, dreamt about, longed for with all your heart, dared to believe in and imagined could happen. It is the loss of hopes, dreams, your future plans, it is the loss of aspects of your life that you have let go of as you have focused on your dream, the loss of relationships that have fallen by the wayside as you have been navigating the complex emotions of fertility struggles.

It is Important to Allow the Time and Space to Grieve the Loss of Your Hopes, Dreams & Longed for Baby.

I can’t tell you how important it is to process and this can only be done with time and space and I would advise seeking support and help from a professional or a trusted friend or relative who you can open up and talk things through with.

Journaling can be really useful to support you through this time as it can help get the many emotions, thoughts and feeling out of your head and onto paper.

Clear your diary of engagements and even take some time off work so you can retreat and heal.

Bleed time can be a time when the intensity of the feelings around grief can be at their very strongest, as the hormones crash, the physical  reminder of what has passed and what wasn’t meant to be, therefore it is essential to support yourself during this time with self care practices, if you need to do nothing except lie on the couch for those days that is fine. It’s OK to not be OK.

TIME

It is so important to allow yourself time, time to process, time to reflect, time to heal. Now I understand that every woman who is going through fertility issues can see and feel the loud ticking of the clock as the days, weeks and months pass. Time isn’t anyone’s friend to those on a fertility journey, however, I can’t tell you how important it is to allow time to process and heal in between cycles and before making any major decisions. You see you want to be able to make decisions that are right for you both, not decisions based on a reaction to a devastating event. Fertility clinics will often encourage you to go again, to try this or that next time………if there is a next time. However, just because you are physically ready to go again does not mean you are emotionally ready and I have never heard of a clinic or a fertility doctor ask about this.

IVF is like a runaway train – difficult to get off

I think of the IVF journey as a runaway train that once you get on it, it seems impossible to get off and even just for a short while. It is essential that you step off the train grab a cup of tea, take your focus else where, check in with each other, see how you are both doing emotionally, re-evaluate what you both want, what you are willing to do, how far you are willing to go, how much you are willing to pay, look at other options, ask yourselves is this still what we both want and if the answer is YES we cannot give up yet, then get back on the train. If you do not do this then if by the 3rd or 4th or 5th plus times it doesn’t work out when the train crashes all the carriages carrying all the emotions from the previous cycles will come crashing in behind.

LOVE, Compassion and SUPPORT

A fertility journey can be a very lonely and isolating experience and it is really important that you show yourself and each other love and compassion during this time, notice your self talk, your thoughts and feelings and ask yourself if they are true.

Have compassion and respect for your body, it has been through a lot, allow the hormones to balance and thank your body for all it has done. Directing anger and frustration inwards does not help your body or your mood so try and reflect on all it has been through and how well it has coped.

Find love from kind friends and family, open up and tell them how you feel, what you are going through and those that you feel are unable to support you in the way that you need it’s ok to withdraw whilst you are healing and for as long as you need, don’t feel guilty.

If you are in a relationship you may be processing and grieving differently, have respect for one another and trust that you can grieve how you need to and that the most important thing is to maintain communication and connection. It’s ok to argue, it’s ok to fall out but make sure there is resolution.

NEXT STEPS and PLANS

It is important to have plans in place and to review them frequently as to what is working for you. Have your Plan A, Plan B and Plan C. Many are too frightened to think about any other plan other than the plan they are on, however, it is important to explore feelings around how you will know when to stop, how much you are willing to spend, how much you are willing to put your body and mind through, how much your relationship can take, what are your thoughts and feeling around donor cycles, adoption, a future together without children. Grab a big A3 sheet of paper and mind map it all listing all thoughts and feelings and come back to it regularly. It’s ok to change your mind about things too.

The creation of a healthy human being is an incredibly complex process, take a look at some time lapse footage of the different stages of embryonic development. So much has to go right so that all our bodily system, organs and structures can function as they need to. The fact that we are here right now is a complete miracle. From the joining of the sperm and the egg, to cellular division, to embryo attaching and being received by the womb, to the formation of the basic heart that starts beating at around 8 weeks there is so much development and room for error.

I also think about timing and the fact that the maybe the little one has a say as to when it’s his or her timing to come in. And perhaps, the way you thought a child would come to you isn’t the way you had wanted or planned, whether it’s through donor or adoption but maybe that child was always meant for you not matter how it arrived.

I am reminded of this quote by Khalil Gibran

“Your children are not your children. They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams”

I hold you all in my heart and I am here if you need a space to heal. Gentle Release Therapy is a wonderful treatment to recieve to help rebalance the body and process emotions. If you need a more in depth exploration of experiences and emotions to help you to work out next best steps and to ensure you are emotionally ready then The Fertility Coaching would help.